Monday, July 3, 2017

Lessons in the Waiting

I've debated on writing about this for a while. I know some people might not understand why I write about things so personal, but for me it's therapy. I started writing back when I was pregnant with Lincoln, to document his life, but also as a stress reliever. Sharing my story of teenage pregnancy and single motherhood did immensely more than I bargained for. Not only was it therapeutic for me, I've watched as it has affected others. So when I started going back and forth on whether to write about this, I realized, maybe this will help someone along the way. Maybe my story will encourage someone else. And if that's the case, then it's definitely worth it for me. 

I'm well aware that some people may think this is too personal to write about. If so, I'm sorry, and feel free not to read any further. But because this is such a personal topic, I have cleared this post with my husband, and so I'm going to speak about it.

I watched my sister go through infertility. I watched as she shelled out massive amounts of money, cried a lot of tears, went through pain, and visited doctors countless times. There's a beautiful blue-eyed princess I get to love on now, and I think my sister would agree.. she was worth it all. 

I just didn't think I'd find myself in the same position a few years later.

Linc man was a surprise. At 18 I wasn't expecting to have a baby. Thank God for that sweet miracle surprise. He's everything I didn't know I needed. But I always expected I'd get married and have another one. Until I got married and didn't, and found myself in a strange doctor's office a year and a half later.

Long story short, we've seen a reproductive medicine doctor. They've put me on a no caffeine, no sugar, low carb, high fat diet. I've found out that the best mood swings come from a lack of bread and coffee. At this stage in the process we need to start testing. But before we start that we have to come up with a pretty hefty sum. Some states require insurance to pay for at least some part of fertility testing/treatment. Our state isn't one of them. #thanksFlorida

I've seen how infertility can affect people. And although I have been up close and personal to someone dealing with it, it's significantly harder than I imagined. It's overwhelming in a way I don't think words can quite describe, physically, emotionally, financially. I go from hopeful to hopeless, from having daydreams of a baby, to trying to convince myself I don't want one. We have good days, and bad days, and through it all I'm so thankful for a husband and a family that is so supportive.

Because of the fact that our insurance doesn't pay for anything, we're at a standstill for testing. We can't move forward, and it's frustrating to not have answers. It's a waiting game, and at this point we don't know when we'll start.

As I was at work a few days ago thinking about how I just wanted to move forward with testing so I could feel like we were doing something, anything, I was reminded of other times in my life I was sick of waiting, and nervous about the outcome.

I was reminded of being 18 and not knowing how I was going to financially take care of a child of my own. But that baby boy changed my life in a million different beautiful ways, and God provided for us daily. I remembered failing classes in nursing school and feeling like I would never graduate. But then somehow I moved forward and walked that stage, and then added RN to the end of my name. I remembered praying so hard for a man to come into our lives, and feeling like it would never happen for us. But then in God's sweetest timing He brought the perfect addition to our family, and gave us a man that exceeded all my expectations for a husband and a dad. 

So as I was reminded of how scary the unknown can be, I was also reminded of the way that God got me through it. Some of the endings didn't come as soon as I'd hoped, but they did come. They came in different ways than I expected, and some brought a lot of heartache in the meantime, but God was faithful as usual. He carried us in weakness, and provided for us always. I have watched as God's love for me has carried me through some of the hardest seasons of my life, and I know He won't stop now.

So I don't see the end in this situation. I don't know if God will ever give us that baby we so desperately want. I know that God can, but I don't know that God will. And that is a hard truth to swallow. But this I do know.. God is good. God is faithful. And if we are a family of three forever, then I will love these two boys with all my heart for the rest of my days. And in the joy, sorrow, and waiting.. I'll remember that God is good and always faithful.


2 comments:

  1. Your honesty and openness in this post is speaking to someone, I'm sure. Sending you hugs and praying that things work out according to God's plan for you and your husband. I know that the waiting is hard, but stay strong!

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    1. Thank you Natalie! Sorry this is so late.. I'm not sure how I'm just now seeing this!

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