Monday, March 20, 2017

Thoughts in the Difficult Seasons

I started blogging during my pregnancy with Lincoln because I wanted to document his life, but also because it helped me make sense of my thoughts. I don't monetize my blog, and I don't share it too much. This blog is my creative outlet, and for the time being it's just my place to ramble. Sometimes when I have an insane amount of stuff going through my mind, I'll feel the urge to post, so that's what today is.

Before I write all the things going on in my mind, know this: My marriage is fine. Our health is fine. As sad as this post seems, we're doing okay. There are just a lot of things going on with our family lately that haven't been the easiest.

This month has been awful. I was going to write 'difficult' but that seemed to be sugar-coating it which I don't want to do. 

"When it rains, it pours" seems to be a good Hodges motto this month. It's been one thing after the other and I've faced every emotion known to man. I go from being calm and hopeful and optimistic, to down and hopeless and angry.

This month hasn't all been bad. We have had some of the best family days, we celebrated one year of marriage, and I think our family is stronger now than we've ever been. But it's been hard. It's taken a lot of patience and grace and tears. 

In my 24 years I've come to find out that you learn most in the difficult times. In the seasons of pain and waiting, you realize a lot about God, yourself, and the people around you. This month in particular has affirmed a lot to me.

One //

God is good. I know at the core of my being that God is good. He simply is. He cannot be anything but good. But sometimes my circumstances make me lose sight of that. They make me wonder why God isn't doing more for me. Why God can't take away some of what I'm going through. I am a poster child for posting a picture of my sweet family and saying "God is so good to give me them!" which yes, He is. And no, I won't stop saying that. But if I see God's goodness based solely on what He gives me, then that means that God isn't good all the time. Because let's face it, sometimes life just doesn't go my way. But that in no way means that God isn't still good. God is good when my life is sunshine and rainbows.. But He is also good when life doesn't seem fair and there's a lot of storm clouds. He is good. He just is. Even when my circumstances are not. 

Two // 

My husband is a rock star. I have been an emotional roller coaster this month. I mean I've dealt with allllll the emotions ranging from everything's great and God is doing big things behind the scenes! all the way to nothing is working out. Nothing is fair. My life is a big mess. (If I wrote this post last week it would have said, "Life is so hard. I'm so sad. Nothing is fair. And that may or not be something I actually texted my husband last week.) I have had several tearful outbursts at random times and my husband has been a rock. He's held me, he's cleaned the house, he's reminded me of the faithfulness of God when I refused to remind myself. Marriage is a gift, and this man I conned into marrying me is a true gem. 

Three // 

My people are the best. For me, this is family. They have loved on us, they have helped, they have offered, and mostly they have prayed. Our family is covered in love, and these times remind me of how blessed we are to be surrounded by such an awesome support system. Life advice: find your people. Love them hard.

Four //

The little things are the sweetest. There have been days where I've just been down. I've been plain sad. But I've found a smile in painting my nails, in watching Michael and Lincoln run around the yard, in enjoying the outdoors, and in playing wrestle fight every single day. Sometimes you just have to look for the sunshine when everything around you is grey.

Five // 

Exercise and the outdoors are great for your mood. "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands. They just don't." Pleaseeee tell me someone got that? No? Just me. Whatever. But really. Elle Woods said it best. The sunshine is fantastic and so is exercising. 

So there's some of what's floating around in my head. For all four of you + my mom who read that, you rock. You deserve a prize. Happy Tuesday, friends.

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