Tuesday, April 8, 2014

He Alone Satisfies

Before I get started I have to say this: This post isn't easy for me to write. In fact, everything in me wants to leave it as a draft and be done with it. Hide my struggles and insecurities. I'm letting you into a secret part of my heart, one I wouldn't mind keeping hidden. But I've prayed about this blog a lot and as often as I pray I always hear God tell me to be as transparent as possible. I firmly believe that God uses our struggles to point people to Him, so here it is. This is one of the biggest struggles I've had in the last few years. It's what I've wrestled with God over and over about. I'm all about keeping things private that need to be private, but I like sharing where I'm weak because I know God can use that to speak to someone else. If I can show my shortcomings so you can see Jesus than I'm willing to do it. 
 

"I am a daughter of The King and He alone satisfies."

That statement may not mean much to you. It may seem obvious. You may have taken hold of that truth years ago. But for me, that statement sends me to my knees in thankfulness. That statement means everything to me. That statement means freedom for my soul.

This past week my church did a celebration of all that God has done in the past 7 years in the life of our church and I was asked to take part in an element called cardboard testimonies. If you've never heard of that, basically they have people write on a cardboard something God has done in their life. Sometimes the cardboard is two sided and sometimes it's only one.

When I was asked to do it a couple years ago it was two sided. The front of my card said, "I was scared and ashamed of my teenage pregnancy." The back side said, "I am so excited for God's plans for me and my son."

It was emotional. It always is. To see where God has brought us from is always huge. It's always monumental. And it always brings the glory back to God.

So when I was asked to do it again, I didn't think twice. I'm terrified of being in front of people. But I knew glory would be given to Jesus, and that's more than enough reason to face our fears.

I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted my card to say. God has done SO many things in my life since then. I could talk about God's financial provision. I could talk about how He's strengthened me to raise a child on my own. To pick only one stumped me for days. Finally I landed on that statement above. Here's why..

I have always dreamed of marriage. Since I was little I've dreamed of the day I get married. I have specific details picked out. I've looked at dresses on David's Bridal for years. {So, yeah. That's embarrassing.} I know what I want my ring to look like. But more than those little details of the wedding day, I just want to be a wife. I want everything that comes along with marriage. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not perfect, but it's a huge desire of my heart.

When I got pregnant at 17, my heart was crushed when I started realizing there was no way I'd get married to Lincoln's father. I spent so many nights crying out to Jesus with what I wanted most, and yet here I was, a single mom raising a child by myself. And it hurt. It broke my heart. My biggest desire wasn't happening in that situation.

But then I had it all planned out. {Because don't you know that when you tell Jesus your plans He always agrees?!} I'd meet the guy I was supposed to be married to before Lincoln turned two. Lincoln would grow up never knowing any different than that the man married to Mommy is who raised him. This way I could also have my children closer together than if I married later. {You got that God? That's what I want. So jump on it.} Is anyone else laughing? I was ridiculous.

And the thing is.. One year of Linc's life came and went and nothing. Age two came and still nothing. Age three is coming and you guessed it.. still nothing.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I need a relationship. Trust me. I am not one of those girls who can't stand to be alone. I enjoy being alone. It's not that I want a relationship to take up my time so I don't have to go places alone. I can go to the movies alone with the best of them. And if it comes time for Lincoln and I to move out and it's just us, I'd be fine with that. There is no part of me that feels like I need a man around. I know I'm fully capable of doing everything {including parenting} alone. The fact of the matter is, I have seen Godly marriages play out, and I want that Godly marriage.

Throughout this past Fall, my desire for a marriage held me in bondage. I cried more nights than I can begin to count. I poured out to God how much I desired that Godly marriage. I told Him the desires of my heart over and over. {Isn't it precious how Jesus lets us come to Him about the same thing over and over and still loves us through it?} One night my sister and I were watching The Bachelor and the guy said something {to one of the single moms} along the lines of, "Your son isn't baggage. You two are a package and I'd be extra blessed to have both of you." I started crying. I just wanted so badly for someone to say that to me. For someone to love both Lincoln and me. It hurt. It stung. Why would God give me such a strong desire for something and not bring it to me? Why did I have to wait? I prayed so many things. I prayed God would bring me a Godly husband. I prayed God would take the desire away. I prayed God wouldn't let anyone pursue me that wasn't supposed to marry me. I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed.

Desires are normal. It's normal for us to want things. It's completely okay. But my desire for a husband had become greater than my desire for Jesus. And let me tell you, sister, that is not okay.

It may not be a husband for you. It may be a house. It may be a child. It may be a college degree. It may be a new car. It may be materialistic, it may be relational. But whatever it is, if it's greater than your desire for Jesus, it's an idol and you need to get it in check real quick. 

So the more I prayed for a husband, the more I realized He's already here. His name is Jesus and He loves me far greater than anyone on earth ever can. My desire for a marriage and a family hasn't gone away, it's just been replaced by a greater desire for Jesus and to see His will completed in my life. If that's me getting married next year, great. If I never get married, that's great too. Because when you're a daughter of The King, you desire God's plan above your own. For me that meant releasing my desire for a family to Jesus. For you it may mean something different. 

The waiting isn't easy. I won't make it out to be more fun than it is. It's hard to wait on the timing of God. But it's worth it. I can make all the plans I want, but His plans are so much greater than I can even dream of.

If I never get married, I can honestly say that's okay. Six months ago the idea of never getting married sent me into tears. How precious is it that He's brought me to a place of peace about one thing that used to wreck my heart daily.

I don't know your circumstance. I don't know what you're longing for. I don't know if it will come to you next month, or if you'll never get it at all. But I do know the pain of not having what you desire so badly. I pray that He gives you peace. And throughout all of the pain and the waiting and the tears, I can honestly say that He alone satisfies.

You are a child of God and He alone satisfies.

{If you would like to see our celebration service of the past seven years, click here! When you get to that page, click "The Journey Experience is online now! Click to watch!" The cardboard testimonies are right after the second song.}

6 comments:

  1. Oh, Carrington. What a raw and honest post. Thank you so much for sharing what's in your heart - God is really doing a work. I am so proud and in awe of you and your vulnerability, the reality of your love for Christ and your sweet little one. I'll be praying for you, dear friend - for the continuation of this peace in your heart and the exhumation of God's plan for you and your tiny family. Lots of love from Nashville!

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    1. You are such an encouragement to me, even when you may not realize it! Nashville and Florida need to collide, friend!

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  2. Your vulnerability & heart are so, so beautiful!!!! When I look (well, read I guess :)) at you, I just see Jesus through & through! I cannot wait to see what He has in store for you in the years ahead. You are one incredible woman!!

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  3. Carrington, what a wonderful post!
    I so admire your strong love for Jesus,
    and your strong love for Lincoln!! :)
    www.floralandfudge.blogspot.com

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